I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
