you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
