i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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