I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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