the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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