Don't make out with my wife yet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
