You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i drank out of a bidet.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
