Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
