Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
