I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my phone needs a breathalizer
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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