high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
