Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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