I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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