This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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