I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just tell him i said nine months
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
