Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
