Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
