apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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