Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
