My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
