I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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