im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
