She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
