so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
