he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
