Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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