Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
