okay pat passed out under dana's car
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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