allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
