Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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