You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
