Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
