he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
