I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
