Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You've changed since you got that strap on
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
