The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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