If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
