U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
