im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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