Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
