Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
