I got chris browned last night
from now on my penis is your penis
...so i touched it.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
