So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
