I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
