can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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