I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
