we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My ass is underappreciated
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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