There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
