Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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