You just made me feel so damn special
he puts the penis in happiness.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
